What are Your Deal Breakers in a Relationship?
Even before your first date, it's important to know your relationship deal breakers!
Believe me, knowing your deal breakers before you're emotionally involved with another person will save you (and others involved) a lot of pain, conflict, and heartache!
Why Know Deal Breakers Before Dating?
We relish the emotional highs and butterfly feelings love creates.
When you're "in love," you will ignore the differences between you and your date.
You will not see potential long-term conflicts because you are (yes, you've got it), "in love!"
List and know your Deal Breakers in a relationship before you start dating!
You may want to use your previous relationship to give you ideas about the important things to you.
You're in the "rose-tinted glasses" or "honeymoon" stage of your relationship. The honeymoon stage is when the person you're dating can do nothing wrong. We've all heard that "love is blind," well, no more so then when you're in this stage of a relationship.
The honeymoon stage can last anywhere between two months and two years. During this time, you're under the influence of chemicals and you just don't see things on your date that are not right for you!
If you're looking for and wanting a long-term relationship, before you start "seriously dating," for example, jumping into bed with someone, consider whether or not this person meets all of your relationship requirements. (You will see why further in the post under "Sex Traps").
Deal Breakers in a Relationship
Relationship Requirements are "deal breakers in a relationship." If one of your requirements is not met, your relationship won't last the long haul; requirements are deal breakers.
Deal breakers are about the relationship you want. It's not about the partner you want! The relationship should be one that will make you happy and fulfilled.
What's a Deal Breaker in a Relationship for You?
What do you require in a relationship for it to work? What is a big deal for you may not be for the person you enter a new relationship with. For instance, your deal breaker could be healthy eating, your partner may decide they're happy to start eating healthily to maintain a relationship with you.
On the other hand, another example could be children. If you want children and your date doesn't want kids, that will be a "deal breaker." You can't have half a child, which is why it's important to establish this information from a potential mate early on.
Another example of a deal breaker in a relationship could be, "I require the person I get into a relationship with to be a non-smoker."
Are you willing and able to compromise on a deal breaker?
For example, if you're attracted to someone such as Richard Gere, and he smoked, would you compromise and enter a relationship with that person because you're really attracted to them?
If you are able to "negotiate" and you're willing to "compromise" on something in a relationship, it's a "need" in a relationship and it is not a "deal breaker." Listen to your body. It will tell you if you're willing to compromise on a deal breaker or not.
You may want to make a list of all the items you think are deal breakers in a relationship and then test them to see you are willing to negotiate and compromise on each item.
If you can compromise on an item, put them on a separate list called, "My Needs in a Relationship."
If you can compromise on a deal breaker, it's a "need" in a relationship, not a requirement!
You can not negotiate a deal breaker.
The last thing you want is to get emotionally involved with someone, and consider yourself to be in a "committed" relationship with someone, only to find out months later that the person you're dating doesn't meet all of your relationship requirements, and vice versa!
You may want to
Because sex increases the chemistry between the two of you and that's when you can fall into the "rose-tinted glasses" stage and can completely ignore all the red flags and warning signs.
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You may fall into the "sex trap," which is when you've decided that your relationship is compatible based on your experience between the sheets and have interpreted the sexual chemistry between you as, "love!"
When it comes to relationships, how do you know if your date meets all of your requirements and you're a good match?
It takes time to know if your date is a good match and meets all of your requirements, which you can find out through testing. Yes, I'm advocating testing the person you're dating. For example, your date may say they "love children" but how do you really know?
It's easy to say anything, but actions need to match up with words and be congruent. In the above example, the best way to know if your date is being congruent is through watching their behavior around children. Why not take them to the park and see how they respond to the noise of children, etc? If you are a parent, I'm not suggesting you introduce your children to your date at this stage.
It takes time and testing to know if there are any deal breakers in a relationship!
Here are a few suggestions to test your date around your deal breakers and whether or not you're a good match:
- Do you feel energized or drained when you're with your date?
- When you're dating someone, observe your date in different situations, for example, if they say they like children, take them to the park where children are playing. How does your date react to the children and noise? If you want a serious relationship with the person you're dating and you have children (or want children) this is an important step to test.
- Does your date's life vision (goals for the future) match yours? There's no point falling for a person who wants to sail around the world when you want to live on a farm. Ask your date what their vision is for the future. Tell them yours and watch their response.
- Introduce your date to two or three of your close friends. How do they fit in with your friends? What's their opinion about your date?
- Introduce your date to members of your family. What are their opinions about your date?
- Can you see your date fitting in with your friends and family?
- Meet your date's friends and family members. Can you see yourself fitting in with them?
- Are you authentic when you're with your date or do you change to "impress" them? This is an indication of low self-esteem. Healthy relationships are built on authenticity!
- What are your reasons for wanting to be in a relationship with this person?
Take your time testing. There is no rush or first prize for getting into another lousy relationship.
Before you consider saying, "I do" or moving your relationship to the next level, ask:
"Are there any deal breakers in this relationship?"
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If you want a different outcome and relationship experience, you need to try something new, conscious dating. When you know your dating red flags, and your deal breakers in a relationship (and living by the items on your lists, not just reading them), you are making a conscious choice as to whether or not you want to continue dating a person.
If you want support with your relationship dealbreakers, book a coaching session with me by selecting the "Service" in the form below and click "Continue." Coaching available Worldwide!
I look forward to connecting.
Until next time,
Relationship Coach and Dating Coach
Coach 2 Connect
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