What are You Looking for in a Relationship?
Whether you're using a dating app and going online dating or trying to meet your ideal mate through friends and family members, knowing what you want, need, and require is important if you want a serious relationship.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
Do you want fun and adventure and want a relationship that makes your heart skip a beat? Or do you want something real, which is also good, but you know that your partner has your back every waking moment?
Maybe you've scrolled through many online dating sites and based your decision to swipe left or right on the person's looks. Or do you read their profile and decide on their two to three lines of content that they're an ideal match because they live near you (it's convenient, right?)
Or you may notice that you both like the same music so you must have something in common? Are you screening people in as a potential partner based on having "something in common," or are you looking for red flags and screening people out?
With dating, what are you looking for in a relationship?
Are you attracted to someone based on their "packaging"? Is the way a person looks, dresses, and how physically attractive they are important to you? Do you go by physical attraction when you first meet someone and then decide whether you want to get to know them more?
Maybe you like the car they drive? Or the fact they have their own home? Are you impressed with their "status" and it makes the person more attractive and appealing to you? When you want a lifelong partner, does their "packaging" make them the right person for you or do you consciously choose a partner based on compatibility?
Before getting serious with someone who may seem the love of your life, it's worth taking some alone time and working out what you want in a relationship.
Over time, looks fade, and a person's financial and social circumstances may change. Would you still find this person attractive and love every aspect of their personality?
What do you want in a relationship? "Wants" are those things that will be "nice to have" but it won't make or break the relationship. Wants are the "icing on the cake" of a relationship. For example, you may want to be in a relationship with someone who is good at cooking, but they're just not interested (or any good at it). If the person you're dating is perfect in every other way, it's unlikely you'd separate because they're unable to cook or meet all of your "wants" in a relationship.
Find time to list all the things you love and believe will take any relationship you enter into, to the next level. Label this list, "My Relationship Wants." Know that no relationship will be able to meet all of your "wants," which is why it's important to have a strong network of friends. For example, your partner may be an introvert and they prefer to stay at home, but you may enjoy socializing.
What do you "need" so you will be happy and the relationship will be a success?
When a need is not met in a relationship, over time it will become an issue, which is why it's important you know your "needs" before you start dating. When a need is not met, competition for power and control will arise in the relationship. For instance, if you need your partner to show you affection and they don't, over time you will use tactics such as crying or becoming sick, to manipulate your partner to either give and show you affection, or there will be a battle of wills to compete for power in the relationship.
In the dating phase, you may "minimize" your needs and let what you "need" go. You may compromise your needs to make your date "happy," which is at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing.
Be open, honest, and authentic with your date from the onset.
Make a list of all the things that you need in a relationship for it to work.
The following suggestions may give you some ideas:
"In my relationship, I need the following to be happy"
- My partner supports me 50/50 with household chores.
- We have similar interests
- My partner is affectionate
- We have fun together
- I have my space and alone time.
What do you require in a relationship? Out of your wants, needs, and requirements, this is the most important for two people to know when they date someone.
A requirement is not a "want," it's not a "need," it's what you "require" in a relationship for it to work.
An easy example to explain a requirement is children. You might want to be a parent so there is no point getting into a relationship with a person who is not willing to have children. A requirement is something that you require and will not compromise on. You can not compromise on "half a child."
If you believe something in your life is a requirement but you can compromise on it, it's a need, not a requirement. For example, if you believe you require a partner who is a non-smoker but if it was with someone you find attractive like Richard Gere or Claudia Schiffer, and you'd be willing to compromise, then it's not a requirement, it's a need in a relationship.
Make a list of all of your requirements in a relationship. Requirements are normally value-based, for instance, requirements normally involve religion, money, your goals in life, and children, etc. When you have your list of requirements, do the "compromise" test on each item on the list. Anything you can compromise on, move to your list of "needs in a relationship."
Establish if you meet each other's requirements before you move on to your needs and wants in a relationship.
The sooner you know if you meet each other's requirements or not the easier it is to either "move on" or start getting to know each other more (this is where you establish your needs and wants in a relationship).
Generally when people date, they start with identifying if the person meets their wants (likes/similarities) and needs before their requirements, which is "back to front" if you want to date consciously!
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Until next time
Coach 2 Connect
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Female Power Archetypes
Do you wonder why some people seem to have loving, fulfilling relationships and you don't?
Do you end up in the same relationships (with the same problems) over and over again even with different people?
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