Are You In a Relationship With a Clingy Guy?
Who Is a Clingy Guy?
A Clingy Guy is an insecure male. He constantly needs his partner's attention and reassurance. He may be your boyfriend, long-term partner, or even your husband. Or maybe you're a Clingy Guy reading this post?
What does Clingy Mean?
The dictionary definition is someone who becomes "...very attached to people and depend on them too much."
When you started dating your partner and you were in a new relationship, maybe you saw his clingy ways as "endearing" and "romantic." You may have believed he must really love you because he's so attentive. Unbeknown to you, (your clingy boyfriend at the time) has trust issues and was keeping tabs on you. Where you thought he wanted to spend all his free time with you because he's "in love," he struggled spending time away from you due to trust. The tell tale signs were there, but you didn't see (or want to see) them.
Your clingy partner constantly texted and/or phoned you throughout the day when you had time apart; just to see how you were. He closely followed you on social media and frequently made comments on your posts to show you (and all your friends—just to make sure they know you're a "couple") he is thinking of you. Maybe he asks lots of prying questions, is constantly asking who you spent your day with, he is needing constant reassurance that you want to be with him, and needs to spend every spare moment with you.
Eventually, the clinginess might get you down and setting boundaries will be needed if you want the relationship to last. One thing you may want to consider asking, "Is my partner's clingy side a red flag" for me? Can I move past this and see it as a good thing?
Maybe your partner encouraged you to move in together (or even get married) very early in the relationship because "you're the one!"
Before you knew it, you were "swept off your feet" and living together, or saying, "I do!"
Difficulties In a Clingy Relationship
Life can get extremely busy and stressful. You may have constant demands for your time, energy, and attention, whether this is the demands from work, friends, children you care for, or your partner; it can be tiring. Now, if you add into the melting pot, a partner who is clingy, you're going to feel drained!
- Maybe you love your partner but often ask yourself if it's worth staying with him?
- Do you struggle with your energy levels and feel drained because of your relationship?
- Are you not sure how to cope with your relationship?
It might help to understand a few things about the Clingy Guy and his clinginess before you make any hasty decisions!
There is little information available for someone who is married to, or in a long-term relationship with, a Clingy Guy, despite many articles giving advice about dating one. You may have reached a point in your relationship and asking yourself,
"Should you stay or go?"
"I'm independent. If a guy is too clingy or needy, I actually get afraid of hurting him—and I can't deal with that."
When you're in a relationship with a Clingy Guy, you may have missed the "red flags" on the first date or during the early stages because you're "in love," and now you're in a long-term relationship, or even married!
Maybe you're in a situation where you may believe it's your fault your partner has insecurities and anxieties about the relationship. As a result, you may find yourself constantly justifying your actions and decisions to reassure your partner that you are there for him.
Even if you're living with your Clingy Guy (or even married), it does not give your partner the reassurance he needs and seeks. You may even feel guilty for the way your partner feels. Many people do take on their partner's issues and blame themselves, but you are "not" responsible for you partner's happiness. You see, the Clingy Guy has an anxious attachment style, which makes him "anxious" about the relationship and losing you.
He is worried that you will "betray and abandon" him!
If you and/or your partner would like to discover your attachment style, why don't you both take the quick 3-minute quiz by clicking the link below?
If you agree with the statement click, "Yes."
If you disagree with the statement click, "No."
When your partner becomes clingy in the relationship, he is making bids for your attention. He is seeking the reassurance he needs that you will not betray and abandon him.
The issue is, the tactics your partner uses to get your attention were more than likely developed when he was a child. Tactics that were once useful (and most likely worked) when he was a five-year-old is still being used in his intimate relationships now that he's an adult.
A relationship with someone who is clingy can be energy-draining and a turn-off!
You may have moved out of the "honeymoon" period of your relationship and into mundane day-to-day living. Your perception of what was seen as romantic gestures is now, annoying—you want and need alone time. The texting and constant phone calls are wearing you down and you feel constantly badgered and harassed by your partner to give him your time and attention.
Unfortunately for you (and your partner), your partner's clingy and badgering tactics have the opposite effect of what they hope to achieve. Your partner wants and needs to feel close and reassured that you're there for him, but his clingy ways only push you further away. You may find yourself becoming irritated, and even short-tempered with your partner, which only makes you blame yourself for your partner's feelings of insecurity.
Sometimes your partner's need for your attention becomes more urgent and he adopts more aggressive tactics, which may include him being in your face all the time so you can't ignore him.
Sometimes you may feel that your partner criticizes you and the things you do, so you have to defend your actions. Did you know that the more you answer and justify your actions and decisions, the more power your partner gains in the relationship?
Okay, before you go off to start WWIII with your Clingy Guy, I'll explain a bit about power dynamics. When your partner feels a sense of lack, when he feels disconnected and has low self-esteem, he will compete for power to feel whole and complete, which he does through you, his partner.
He will move into his dominant power archetype, the Clingy Guy, and use the pattern he developed in childhood to compete for power to feel whole.
Clingy Guys use the following behavior pattern to gain power and control in a relationship:
- pursuing, and
Every time your partner is insecure and anxious, he moves into the Cling Guy archetypal pattern to compete and gain power.
The more insecure, anxious, and disconnected your partner feels, the more reassurance he needs, which means he may become very critical, judgmental, questioning, and demanding.
On the other hand, when it comes to relationships, generally opposites attract. For instance, the Clingy Guy has an anxious attachment style (as previously mentioned), and he will more often than not be in a relationship with a partner who has an avoidant attachment style. In this instance, more often than not, you will have either an avoidant attachment style or a secure attachment style.
You may want to take the 3-minute Attachment Style Quiz to discover your attachment style by clicking the button below!
A person who has an avoidant attachment style retreats and withdraws from their partner, and the environment, rather than talk about their feelings. They need "time out" to think things through, get their energy back, and feel okay to connect with others, including their partner.
The more a partner badgers them for attention, the more they withdraw to avoid intimacy in the relationship. An avoidant will withhold information, affection, and intimacy from their partner to compete and gain power in the relationship.
As you can imagine, it can be a battle of wills in a relationship with a Clingy Guy. "If" you do have an avoidant attachment style in this relationship, the more your partner makes bids for your affection and attention to feel secure, the more you will withdraw and shut him out. The more you shut your partner out, the more insecure he will feel, the more he will demand your attention.
And on and on it goes...you get the picture!
Does this sound and feel familiar?
Maybe you are reading this post and think you are the Clingy Guy/Girl?
Awareness is the first step to change.
If you are a Clingy Guy/Girl, it's up to you whether or not you want to make the changes or continue as you are. The power is in your hands and the choice is yours!
It's important to know and understand that only you can be responsible for your behavior in the relationship. You cannot be responsible for your partner's behavior and nor can you make him change so he becomes less clingy and less needy in the relationship.
Saying all that, if you change your response to your partner, it changes the dynamics in the relationship.
When you are aware of the power dynamics that go on in your relationship and the power patterns at play, it is the first step to change. So, understanding your attachment styles and power archetypes is a great place to start!
The second step is to call out the power pattern when you notice it.
No, I don't mean this, "You just hounded me so you're in the Clingy Guy archetype."
I mean something like this, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I need a twenty-minutes time out and then I will be back so we can talk."
What happened here was the person:
- Named it, (overwhelmed)
- The partner was not blamed, (I'm feeling)
- A timeframe was given, (twenty-minutes) and
- A clear boundary and process were established, (time out and will talk afterward).
Awareness of your relationship patterns is the best tool you and your partner can have.
When you know the patterns, you can make informed choices.
When you are unaware of your patterns, it is a habit!
It is important that you make time for "you." Spend time alone and away from the relationship, otherwise you may find yourself feeling smothered and losing interest in your partner.
Make plans in advance and give your partner notice when you're not available; they don't like surprises. Send your partner text messages when you say you're going to. Life does not revolve around your partner, but they need to develop trust in you and confidence in the relationship.
If you would like to find out if you're in a relationship with a Clingy Guy, or think you maybe a Clingy Guy (or girl), why not download your free Inventory by clicking the link below?
Get Your Clingy Guy Inventory Now
A simple assessment tool so you can quickly find out if you're a Clingy Guy or in a relationship with one!
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Until next time
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If you would like to find out more about the Clingy Guy archetype and the power patterns with your dominant archetype, check out my book "Female Power Archetypes" on Amazon by clicking the link below!
Female Power Archetypes
Whether you realize it or not, there’s a story that governs your relationships. There are unconscious patterns, stories, and programs that shape your behavior in our relationships. To recognize and change these behaviors you need to know how power archetypes are at work in your relationships.
You have a dominant power archetype that determines how you react in times of need, and being overwhelmed, stressed, and afraid. By learning your dominant power archetype you can uncover the heart of the conflict in your relationships and move into a place of confidence, balance, and happiness.
If you would like to find out more about your dominant power archetype and how influences your relationship with the Clingy Guy, check out my book, Female Power Archetypes, on Amazon by clicking the button below!
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