What's Your Fear In a Relationship?
What is your biggest fear in a relationship?
Do you worry that you will be abandoned and won't be loved by another person ever again? If this is you, you anticipate emotional deprivation.
Maybe you believe you're "not good enough" and don't want to be ridiculed by your partner?
Do you have difficulty hearing criticism?
What about not being loved anymore if your partner discovered the "real you?"
When you are in "fear," (for whatever reason) you feel "unsafe," disconnected, and need to gain power. You use an archetypal pattern, which you developed in early childhood, to gain power and feel safe. You do this by competing for power at the expense of your partner, and the relationship.
For example, if you feel secure in your relationship and have an argument/disagreement with your partner, you may momentarily move into your pattern of behavior such as emotionally withdrawing and shutting your partner out. However, if you feel insecure in your relationship "most of the time," you may take several hours, or even days before you're willing to reconnect with your partner.
You may become jealous easily, which causes relationship anxiety. Maybe fear makes you feel emotionally insecure and you become clingy. On the other hand, you may push others away, which are all damaging behaviors. As you see, fears can ruin your relationships. Your underlying fear can create relationship issues, dictate your choices, and how you respond to your partner.
“Hate is not the first enemy of love. Fear is. It destroys your ability to trust."
Wouldn't it be great where you don't feel fear in a relationship? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be in lasting loving relationships where there is an emotional connection without irrational fears? You can be in a loving relationship where you are your "true self" and feel secure rather than insecure. The first step toward change is understanding the tactics you use to overcome fear.
Tactics You Use to Overcome Fear
In relationships, you will use tactics to manipulate and gain power for attention, love, control, support, approval, connection, and recognition, etc., from your partner.
Your tactics are not conscious and deliberate to hurt your partner, it's a protective mechanism you developed in early childhood to ensure your survival.
Manipulation takes place on three levels: an emotional, psychological and spiritual level. You can easily get caught up in your ego and try to "get one over" on your partner, and this is when you feel unsatisfied and drained in the relationship.
You may believe that if you need anything in life, you cannot get it for yourself and you cannot meet your own needs. You have to get your needs met from outside of you, from things/objects and people around you.
When you have this belief, you associate and connect with others and communities who also have similar beliefs. For example, if you believe that you will only be happy if you are in a relationship, you are projecting the energy of a person who "needs" to be, and "has" to be, in a relationship on to your partner, even when they're not the right person for you. You may experience a relationship that is like a roller-coaster where it is "on-again/off-again." The moment you start to feel close to your partner, you may become extremely anxious, fearful, and pull away.
This type of relationship will more than likely become co-dependent because both partners rely on the other to make them happy, which is a recipe for disaster.
Maybe you are in a relationship with a partner you believe is emotionally avoidant. When you are in a relationship and you feel disconnected from your partner, you can feel very lonely. The pain of loneliness and empty feelings whilst with the partner you love is more excruciating than any feelings of loneliness you will ever have when you are single and alone.
Have you ever felt the pain in the pit of your stomach and the depths of your heart because you so desperately want to have a connection with your partner? You feel so alone. You become riddled with fear of rejection and feel even more alone than ever. You can become defensive towards your partner, particularly when your inner critic says, "They don't love me and they will leave me."
Maybe you use techniques such as alcohol, shopping, or gambling to "numb" your pain.
Fear can create a division in any romantic relationships but your attachment style influences how you may feel and relate in your current relationship.
Back to the earlier question...what is your biggest relationship fear?
What if you discovered your biggest relationship fear is probably influenced by your gender, the gender you identify as?
“...deeply entrenched and automatic behaviors rooted in childhood experiences and fears—can take over and cause you to inadvertently sabotage your relationships. By recognizing these coping behaviors and understanding their cause, you will not only gain powerful insights into your own mind, but also into the minds of those around you.”
- Michelle Skeen -
Gender distinctions are not based on anatomy, it's more about "energy." For instance, you may have the anatomy of a female but have more male energy (you could think of them also as yin and yang energies) in differing degrees.
In general, a man's greatest relationship fear is disappointing his partner; he does not want to be a disappointment!
A man tends to feel guilty when he believes he has disappointed his partner. He may struggle when he hears from his partner about how someone else did it, or there is another way to do something. It's not that men can't be wrong, it's they don't want to let their partner down, because if they do, they may be left. This may go some way to explain why some men may perceive their partner as "nagging" when the partner is simply asking (probably for the third or fourth time) for support with a task.
When there are insecurities and fears in a relationship, men can perceive their partner as being negative towards them. Again, this is about the partner who has the most masculine energy in the relationship rather than the anatomy. Women
In general, a woman's biggest relationship fear is being abandoned, which is why more women than men tend to have needy and clingy archetypal patterns of behavior than men.
When women feel isolated, disconnected, and alone, they will pursue their partners to get a sense of connection. As a result, the man may feel their partner is "nagging" and will withdraw to avoid disappointing them further.
Every Relationship has Agreements
When you get into a relationship with another person, you make subconscious and conscious agreements, which is based on your beliefs about yourself and the other person. You will act and behave in certain ways to get their approval, to feel worthy, and ensure they will not abandon you; your deep fear.
We behave and interact differently around others to avoid looking at our core issues, beliefs, behaviors, and insecurities. In relationships, there is an understanding and you both learn to conform and stick to your unspoken agreements. Neither of you wants the other (your most intimate/significant relationship), to see you as the enemy and walk out on you. On the other hand, males tend to avoid being seen as the "enemy" and being disapproved of.
If you dare to challenge and rise against your unspoken agreement with your partner, you could lose the love and life you created together, which may include financial support. In short, this love is conditional, the condition that you stick to the unspoken agreement, do not challenge it, and do not change your behavior.
“How wonderful to go beyond wanting and fearing in your relationships. Love does not want or fear anything.”
Overcoming Fear of Intimacy
The question is, now you have this information, great reading it but what are you going to do to change your situation and the fear you experience in your relationship?
Are you willing and prepared to look at the unspoken in your relationships and challenge it?
Are you able to take the first step and look at your relationship fears rather than pass judgment and blame your partner for how you feel?
Are you willing to look at your behavior in relationships? Your power patterns are "unconscious habits" that have become deeply ingrained in your behavior. When you "know" your patterns, it is no longer a habit because you're aware of what you're doing. When you know what you're doing and continue to do it, it's a "choice."
Are you ready to discover your patterns and develop your relationship that is free from fear and has unconditional love?
Why not get your partner to take the quiz too and reveal their dominant power archetype? You will gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics in your relationship!
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I look forward to connecting.
Until next time
Coach 2 Connect
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